


"sometimes i wish you were mine"

by kuntastic



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: : - ), M/M, Unrequited Love, nobody asked for this pain but here ya go folks : - )
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-08-27 03:00:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16694167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuntastic/pseuds/kuntastic
Summary: at least jaemin's good at forcing a smile, because being in love with your best friend's boyfriend really sucks.





	1. Chapter 1

 

"Watching you is like watching poetry in motion." 

 

Renjun snapped his head up, eyes wide as his hand stopped in the middle of writing a sentence. 

 

"What?"

 

Time stopped. He shouldn't have said that out loud. Backtrack. Rewind. 

 

_Shit_. 

  

"Nothing," Jaemin smiled, looking back down to his own work, glancing at what Renjun was writing down on his paper and copying it down himself. 

 

"No, what did you say?" He pulled out one earbud from his ear. "I didn't hear." 

 

Jaemin almost deadpanned. He _actually_ hadn't heard. Now his cheeks slightly flushed as he laughed and shook his head. "No, it's nothing. I was just wondering how you solved the problem." 

 

The other raised an eyebrow, chuckling as he leaned on his forearm to glance over at Jaemin's work. "Rare for you to actually want to know how to get the answer, but..." He trailed off into a long explanation about how molar masses were calculated, and how the constant was used to determine... something. In all honesty, he lost Jaemin at "but", but it was nice hearing Renjun's soothing voice explaining the problem Jaemin probably would never understand. Or _would_ understand if he tried to focus on _what_  exactly he was saying rather than _how_  he was saying it, and the way his lips moved when he did. Or how his slender fingers gripped the pencil at its end, sliding its tip along the paper slowly. 

 

"It's really not that difficult if you think about the parts of the question separately." Renjun said with a soft sigh as he glanced up from the paper to meet Jaemin's eyes. "Got it?"

 

"Yeah," he'd responded, voice engaged, mind completely aloof - and even though Renjun obviously knew he didn't get it, he chuckled anyway and retreated back to his work. 

 

"If you still don't get it you can ask again, you know," Renjun said, flipping his textbook. "Teaching you helps me review better anyway." 

 

Jaemin knew he hardly meant anything more with those words, but his stomach butterflies fluttered still with how patient he was today, how giving he was despite the teasing 'I swear I'll choke you' front he usually put up. In fact, Jaemin knew the guy was a complete softie on the inside, which, curse his stupid heart, only made him fall harder for him. 

 

It was difficult being a hopeless romantic, but he supposed it was what he got. The Fate sisters were never quite known to be forgiving, after all. 

 

Speaking of gods. Renjun always reminded him of - 

 

"You're like Aphrodite," he mumbled, eyes still on the other even after he'd put his earbuds in and turned his focus back to his own studies. "The most beautiful I've ever seen." 

 

He'd gotten into this habit ever since the first time they'd studied together, alone. Whispering things he'd always wanted to tell him, right in his face, despite knowing he'd never really hear any of it. It was a cruel way of satisfying the aching in his chest - since it wasn't like he could really say anything of the sort in any other situation. 

 

It was difficult being in love with his best friend's boyfriend, after all, just as much as being a hopeless romantic. Or perhaps it was even more so, given the latter... 

 

"Sometimes I wish you were mine."

 

But Na Jaemin wasn't an idiot - he knew his boundaries and his limits. No way in hell was he going to sabotage his other half's longest, deepest relationship for his own selfish desires, but he wouldn't have lasted if not for these late, deep-orange afternoons in Renjun's bedroom, sitting on the floor at his low coffee table, flipping through pages and pages and pages of the chemistry Jaemin had so much trouble getting the hang of. 

 

Jeno, being the top student he was, preferred studying alone, and didn't seem like he ever minded Jaemin and Renjun spending time together, which hurt all the more. 

 

... It had become, needless to say, a bit of a guilty pleasure. Even though Jaemin would never admit that out loud, he always liked to think he thanked Jeno in the form of after-school snacks at street vendors in exchange for being his own petty self and indulging in the time he spent alone with Renjun.

 

From time to time, though, the realization of what he really was doing had him sick in the stomach. It made him feel like a traitor of sorts, as if he were sinning, as if he were committing the most grave blasphemy against the natural code of best friend-ship - and of being a normal person, he supposed. 

 

Any normal person with normal ethical standards and morals actually that stayed in check wouldn't even _dream_  of such a thing.

 

Jaemin _knew_  that.

 

And yet, here he was. 

 

.......

 

_With his cellphone held to his chest, Jeno smiled wide, eyes crescent as his cheeks flushed with color._

 

_"Jaemin-ah. You won't believe it."_

 

_Jaemin glanced up briefly from his own phone, sitting directly across from the other on the couch, the low hum of the television droning on in the background. They'd just finished doing their homework together, and they figured since Jaemin's mom wouldn't be back until later, they could take over the living room for the time being._

 

_"What?"_

 

_"No, I'm serious! You won't believe it! This is huge!"_

 

_That caught his attention. Jaemin sighed and smiled, giving in to Jeno's infectious joy and shifted, sitting up and leaning forward, towards the other. "What is it? Did you ace the super hard math test?"_

 

_"No," Jeno laughed and shook his head. "Even better!" He showed Jaemin his phone screen, revealing the background photo of him with his arm around Renjun, the both of them holding up one finger, all smiles, a cutesy filter colouring the image pink._

 

_Now, it was Jaemin's turn to laugh. "What's this? You guys look so cute! When did you take this?"_

 

_"Last night, over at Injunnie's place," Jeno said, a little more quietly. A shy smile replaced his big grin. "We're kind of, uh." He rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly embarrassed. "We're dating now."_

 

_Jaemin laughed again. "Oh, really? Then can it be my turn next week? I wanna try being Injunnie's boyfriend too! Did Hyuck dare you, or something?"_

 

_The other shook his head, cheeks reddening by the second. "No! I mean... for real."_

 

_His laughter subsided. "Like, for real? Actually?"_

 

_Jeno nodded slowly, the expression that crossed his face more genuine than anything._

 

_With that, Jaemin's heart stopped for a moment before it beat again, slowly._

 

_Badump._

 

_Badump._

 

_"Seriously?" He chuckled, hoping to God he didn't sound nervous. "Since... when did you actually even like him?" His smile didn't falter - but for some reason, he felt the slightest bit of anger rising up in the back of his throat. They always joked around about this kind of thing. It almost felt like they mutually understood that line wasn't to actually be crossed - because, well. They were all friends. And that meant they should hold themselves back. That they shouldn't let their feelings get ahead of themselves and ruin what they already had. Right?_

 

_Right?_

 

_"Since forever! I thought you knew, I always tell you!" Jeno grinned and set his phone down, now hugging Jaemin as he sighed softly. "I can't believe it either... I thought it'd be weird since we're all friends, but I've never been happier."_

 

_'But I liked him first.' The words hung on the tip of his tongue._

 

_"I mean," he continued, breaking Jaemin out of his reverie. "You're okay with it, right? I know how much you like your Injunnie, but..." he laughed quietly, tipping his head downwards, seemingly still shy with being open about it all. But of course. Even to his best friend, this was new, especially given he was now apparently dating someone they were both good friends with. That they both had even joked about dating_ together. 

 

_"Yeah!"_

_He reached over and patted him on the back, grinning wide, teeth showing and all. "I'm really happy for you, Jeno."_

__  
_ _

 

.......

 

Renjun spun his pencil between his fingers. He was so good at it; it was a wonder how he could spin his pencil between his fingers like that, but at the same time, read through his notes and have it memorized. 

 

Jaemin also wondered why the afternoon sun had to perfectly shade his face the way it did. His high, subtle cheekbones, his soft features, his adorably, just slightly curved brows, his lashes that glowed in the light, his sculpted nose, and hell, his pretty lips - the heavens must have forgotten to drop an imperfection in Huang Renjun's formula, because no matter how hard he tried, it was virtually impossible to spot even the slightest flaw in what could only be described as pure perfection. 

 

Or, perhaps, Jaemin strayed too far down the path to take his tinted glasses off and face the reality that Renjun was no longer nobody's and anybody's, but instead somebody's.

 

That wasn't the best way to put it - the guy wasn't an _object_ , but the vanished one percent that Jaemin could be spared a glance in a way that was less-than-friendly wouldn't be seeing a return any time soon, and the thought devastated him. 

 

But he wondered why the other let him stare like this in the first place. Surely he noticed. Everyone told Jaemin that he had an intense gaze, that he revealed too much in his face. Which wasn't untrue! He wore his heart on his sleeve, and just enough so that everyone saw a piece of it. He had a lot of love to give. That wasn't a bad thing, he thought. 

 

...

 

He parted his lips.

 

"I like you." 

 

The words gave him a thrill. Goosebumps rose slowly on his forearm and his chest tightened in such a way that almost urged him to _please shut up_ , but he spoke again, a little louder. 

 

"I like you, Huang Renjun."

 

He finally averted his gaze back down to his page, which had been void of coherent thought - apart from what Renjun had briefly scribbled earlier - and was filled with a grassy field of flowers at the bottom. He wouldn't be getting any work done anyway. 

 

His eyes were trained on the small daisy at the corner of his paper. 

 

"I love you so _much,_ " he mumbled, gripping his pencil a little too tight, and that was it. 

 

Slapping his notebook shut, he stuffed it into his backpack. Renjun looked up quickly, startled. 

 

"You're - you're leaving?" He pulled out an earbud, brows raised in surprise, understandably shocked. Jaemin usually preferred taking his time and was hardly ever in a rush to go home from Renjun's place.

 

"Yeah," Jaemin said quickly, not wanting to explain much more. 

 

"But -- we haven't even finished the review questions?" 

 

"Can't focus, sorry." His words came out more terse than he'd intended - _ack_. "I've gotta go. I ... forgot my mom told me to drop by the store to pick up some laundry detergent." 

 

It completely bypassed him in the moment that he lived near a department store, and his mother hardly ever needed him to bring home anything, but Renjun seemed to buy it, so Jaemin didn't bother to correct himself. 

 

Renjun nodded, the surprise still clear on his face - it took effort to look away, because if Jaemin looked for a second longer, he would have mistaken the surprise for disappointment.  

 

He feared if he stayed a minute too long, his eyes would start pricking with the onset of what felt like another stupid breakdown, and there was no way he was sticking around for Renjun to witness something like that, of all people.

 

He'd call Hyuck about it later, or something. He'd be fine. 

 

He always would be.

 

As he quickly zipped his bag, threw on his jacket and gave a small wave before slipping his feet into his shoes and heading out the door, he became all too aware of everything around him. The sound of the wind rushing in his ears as he ran, the weight of his bag bumping against his back with every step he took, and the scarf that'd fallen off his neck halfway back home, but hardly had the heart to run back to fetch it.

 

If only he'd also noticed the way Renjun's earbuds were never plugged in to begin with.


	2. Chapter 2

  

**me**

yah! najaem, are you okay? did you get home safely? are you feeling unwell? :(

**me**

don't forget to finish the last questions we didn't go over

**me**

message me if u have any questions ur stuck on ;;

**me**

[photo]

**me**

sorry for spamming, but this is how to get number 19, the one we couldn't figure out earlier

**me**

see you at school ! :)

x

**me**

hey jaem! were you feeling alright today?

**me**

i know you probably didnt stay up studying, but take proper care of yourself :(

**me**

if you're sick i can ask my mom to prepare that really good herbal medicine you said worked well last time?

**me**

oh! and let me know how the test went for you too !

x

**me**

nana?

x

**me**

it feels a bit like you're avoiding me, or am i just overthinking it?

 

Renjun's fingers hovered over his phone. He felt petty writing the words, but he couldn't help it. After being blatantly avoided in the cafeteria yesterday, he knew something was up, and that something was definitely related to what had happened in his room a week ago.

 

He quickly tapped in another message, but erased it. Writing any more would  _really_ seem petty. Jaemin just needed space, and Renjun knew that.

 

Leaning his head back against the window of the subway train, he held the phone tightly in his hands after he shut the screen off. His eyes slowly closed as he tried hard to focus on his morning playlist, but to no avail - the thoughts that circulated his mind had no mercy on him, the same words ringing in his ears just as they had that afternoon:

 

" _I like you, Huang Renjun_."

 

He bit his lip.

 

" _I love you so much._ "

 

Even remembering the words made the stone in his chest drop like a thousand-kilo weight. But it wasn't even like he tried to remember them. In fact, it was more accurate to say that he couldn't  _forget_ them.

 

Usually, he was the one who caught on quickest in the group - he knew when things happened because he had a rather keen sense for the atmosphere, so it wasn't like Na Jaemin's quiet confession from a few days past came as a  _complete_ surprise. He'd seen the signs leading up to it, regardless of how well Jaemin thought he was hiding it. The guy was the definition of being  _full of love_ , and none of them lied when they'd tell him he wore his heart on his sleeve far too easily.

 

But suddenly, his expressions made sense, the ones that would cross his face for mere moments whenever Jeno reached over the table for Renjun's hand. Suddenly, the way he'd actively avoid having to spend too much time as a trio, going out of his way to invite Donghyuck to even the quickest after-school visits to grabbing snacks after school - even though the guy lived in the complete opposite direction than the three of them - seemed obvious.

 

Suddenly the softest mumbling sounds Renjun would always slightly hear over the music while they studied on his bedroom floor weren't Jaemin reading over his notes anymore.

 

Had he been doing that all along?

 

He shut his eyes tight. His gut twisted as he choked back whatever it was that rose up his throat. He was  _not_ doing this here. He was  _not_.

 

And just as if on cue, his phone buzzed with a message. He widened his eyes, heat rapidly rising to his neck as his chest thumped awkwardly.

 

Oh  _fuck--_

 

**lee jen <3**

renjun-ah!! good morning~~ did you sleep well? hehe

 

A small smile tugged the corners of his lips upwards as his shoulders slacked in relief. Jeno always knew the way to bring him back down from his thoughts. Taking a deep breath, Renjun typed back a reply quickly and shut his phone again, a sigh making its way past his lips.

 

His sweet, caring, loving, cute, teasing, lovable Jeno whose smile fertilised flowers and made birds sing. There was hardly anything not to love about him - save for the occasional (and inevitable) height jokes he'd insert (Park Jisung was rubbing off on him the wrong way). In fact, there was really not a single unlovable bone in his body, dare Renjun say, something he'd come to learn over the past few months they'd spend dating, if he wasn't already aware of it before. After having moved into the country in his last year of middle school, he, Jeno, and Jaemin had been inseparable. Although the latter two were already close friends since childhood, the quick liking they'd taken to Renjun was seemingly mutual, and Donghyuck, who'd been conveniently assigned as his first desk-mate since transferring to their middle school, quickly joined the group as well.

 

They'd always gotten along easily, especially given how they'd all ended up going to the same high school as well, seeing how it was in the district, and was a bit of a given in the first place. It wasn't even like much had changed after Jeno had asked him out one day after school, on the bench in the park by the river, ice cream in both their hands.

 

It was cute and romantic, and evident the other had prepared the confession for a long time - endearing, just like his heart was, and there was no way in hell Renjun could have had any answer other than a  _yes_ to give, because he did return the same feelings for Jeno.

 

Things seemed perfect. Things _were_ perfect. Time had gone by, and the amount Renjun loved Jeno - and the other way around - had not changed a bit. They suited one another well, and that much was obvious to anyone, but -

 

... 'But'?

 

Was there  _ever_ a 'but' in the equation?

 

They never fought - they had no reason to - nor did they ever sway, to Renjun's knowledge. So what the hell was Renjun doing now, losing himself in his thoughts on the morning train, racking his brain to come up with an explanation for the odd beating of his heart every time he was reminded of how... how  _watching him was like watching poetry in motion_?

 

The same discomforting gurgling rumbled up his stomach as he bit his lip again, hard, nuzzling his chin into his scarf. Turning up the volume on his music should do the trick.

 

After taking a deep breath and doing a few of the exercises his cousin Sicheng always told him to do every time he got the urge to lunge at someone or something, he glanced up at the sign that hung from the ceiling of the car. Almost time to get off.

 

" _Sometimes I wish you were mine._ "

 

Jaemin had a gentle voice. Gentle and low, Renjun knew well, having always cherished the nights it got too late and they'd end up sleeping over at one another's houses after spending the day either focusing on work for once or watching drama reruns on T.V., ones that they'd make commentaries on. The late-night talks in the moonlight with nothing but their words to focus on, and the soft atmosphere to keep preserved like glass.

 

He stepped off the train and into the station, swimming through the crowd that began to flurry past to make it onto the train to reach the steps of the exit that led him to school.

 

In private, Renjun brought out a more calm side to Jaemin, and they talked about things easily and comfortably. Concerns, troubles, deep secrets... They were close, really close - and it almost felt as if they lost a bit of that.

 

Now that he thought about it, Renjun knew he felt it before, and he  _had_ somewhat come to pondering the possibility that Jaemin liked him that way, but now that what used to be a theory pushed to the back of his mind was brought to reality...--

 

"What're you thinking about like that?"

 

A light bump to his shoulder had completely shaken him out of what was the most trained trail of thought he'd fallen into since the time he completely spaced out in history and bumped his knee against the table when he was called on. Renjun jumped, gasping so loud it sounded like a yelp.

 

"Jeno-yah!" He exclaimed, half out of surprise and half out of joy. Jeno, the godsend. Jeno, the saviour and medicine for the chaos that was his mind.

 

Jeno, who widened his eyes as he laughed, surprised by the extreme reaction, hands going up as if to defend himself until Renjun threw his arms around him. "I was gonna say you'll get wrinkles if you keep thinking so hard, but," he laughed until he seemed to register Renjun's quiet response, voice trailing off. "Did something happen? You okay?" His arm instantly went around Renjun's frame, holding him close. Always quick to notice.

 

Renjun nodded, cheek pressed against the other's shoulder. He usually wasn't one to do the  _excessive_ physical contact, per se, but today, he was especially stressed. It was acceptable. "Just a lot on my mind..." Sighing heavily, he pulled back and straightened up by his side, to which Jeno easily responded by slipping his fingers between Renjun's with a gentle smile.

"Wanna grab drinks before class? Apparently they fixed the vending machine by the playground."

 

"About time they did," Renjun mumbled, wrinkling his nose. "Let's go, I can't focus in class like this."

 

Jeno was so sweet. He always made sure Renjun was okay, was doing well, had his morning tea, and was ready for the rest of the day because Jeno knew his parents expected him to get better grades this semester for slacking off the last. He knew, and he never forgot.

 

They made it around the corner to reach the other side of the school, shielded away from the wave of students making their way into the building.

 

"Hey."

 

Renjun blinked, slightly flustered when Jeno had leaned in suddenly. He raised an eyebrow despite his pinkened ears. An unfamiliar, strange pit formed in his stomach, but he actively ignored it. "What?"

 

The other closed the gap between their lips in a quick kiss. "Hang in there, Injunnie. You can do it!" Grinning, his own cheeks flushed, whether from the cold or from something else. "We're third-years now, so it'll get more and more difficult from here on out, but at least we have each other, right? I’m always here for you."

 

 _Ouch._ For some reason, it hurt his heart as much as it healed him to hear the words.

 

"There's nothing wrong with letting loose every once in a while, though. We can drop by the arcade after school too, if you want?"

 

"Jen," he said softly, unable to do anything but smile and grip the other's hand a little tighter.

 

Jeno, who always tried his hardest to make Renjun's 'frown turn upside down', but did it effortlessly anyway.

 

“ _And_ we can go to the manhwa cafe nearby, too. I’ll pay for the snacks.” Jeno puffed his chest out a bit, eyes crinkling at the corners like they always did as he grinned. How sweet... The only face that Renjun was powerless to, wasn't it?

 

"Thanks. I think I really needed to hear that..."

 

.......

 

Which he did. Jeno's words kept him going throughout most of the first couple periods, but eventually, his mind began to drift.

 

Spacing out during class wasn't exactly Renjun's thing, but he couldn't help staring out the window, eyes trained on the bird that landed itself on the electric wire outside.

 

He supposed everyone had these days from time to time, days when it's impossible to focus on the lecture. His teacher's voice had never before been easier to drown out than it was then and there, but math wasn't exactly difficult; he could catch up on his own time.

 

Tap, tap, tap went the tip of his pencil against the notebook on his desk as he then traced his gaze from the birds to the trees, to the leaves that fluttered to the ground, to the clouds in the sky, and then to the class running laps outside for gym. Cold weather never stopped their gym teacher before, so Renjun figured it wasn't surprising that everyone was outside in sweats that didn't look like they were enough to block out the sharp air of the winter season.

 

In a third attempt in the past fifteen minutes to focus his attention on the lesson, he picked up his pencil properly and hovered it over the page of his open notebook, eyes skimming over the chalkboard, quickly jotting down a few words - ' _f(x) and g(x) are then the_ ' - only to lose whatever attention he had within moments. He sighed quietly and let the pencil dance between his fingers. Any other time and he would have blamed the weather. The heater in this room was always busted, and wearing scarves indoors never failed to make Renjun sleepy and slightly out of it.

 

But this time, he knew it wasn't just that.

 

Even with the scarf off, his neck burned with the incessant memories of that deep orange afternoon, and it frustrated him to the point that he decided he’d spend lunch at the rooftop by himself.

 

Instead of heading down to the cafeteria, he brought out the bean paste-filled bread his mom had placed in his bag in the morning along with a small carton of milk he bought at the school store and steered his way up the stairs and through the throng of students to reach the final floor, opening the steel door with a hard push.

 

Fresh air at  _last_. It was cold, but not cold enough to ward Renjun away from the peace and quiet of the school’s roof.

 

Peace and quiet. Peace and quiet… An image immediately broken by a figure leaning against the rails. God  _damn it_. He was about to turn and head back to find someplace else to enjoy his food and meditate until he found his consciousness or inner peace or something of the sort - but he squinted and somehow recognised the silhouette.

 

So  _this_ was what Na Jaemin had been up to the past week?

 

“‘Studying’ my  _ass_ ,” he mumbled, because of  _course_ the excuse that Jaemin texted the group chat saying he was busy ‘studying’ during lunch periods was a lie.

 

But maybe this was fate telling Renjun something had to be done. Even though every bone in his body told him to turn back and find someplace else, he figured they’d need to interact at some point. It wasn’t like they could go on this way forever. Even though the voices in his mind urged him to step back and give the guy space, his legs brought him closer. Even though the stone in his chest that he now registered as something resembling  _guilt_ weighed heavier and heavier by the minute, he approached Jaemin with whatever impromptu agenda his mind would conjure up.

 

No matter what, they were still  _friends_ , and by obligation, Renjun  _had_ to resolve this conflict.

 

Right?

 

Right. That was only the correct thing to do.

 

“Aren’t you cold?” was the first thing he blurted when he reached the edge of the roof, fingers now pink from the cold as he anxiously fiddled with the wrapper of his pastry, milk carton stuffed into his jacket pocket. Ironic considering how much he overthought things that nervousness got the better of him now, of all times. “You’re not even wearing a coat.”

 

Jaemin visibly froze for a second, so much that he seemed uncomfortable, or alarmed. Renjun couldn't tell.

 

“Not really,” he said finally, after a silence so long Renjun thought he’d start to suffocate. That was an exaggeration, but every second felt almost like an eon.

 

Jaemin's expression was still unreadable, and it was beginning to drive Renjun crazy just as much as his warped sense of time. He wanted to ask, he wanted to  _know_ , but patience was always key, and it wasn't like he was particularly bad at remaining composed, either. Feeling awkward with Jaemin just felt wrong.

 

“Well, there’s a bad cold going around, don’t blame me if you catch it,” Renjun said, frowning. "Ah, really..." He brought his hands up to take his scarf off, then reaching up to wrap it around Jaemin's neck. Keeping it casual usually worked best to resolve fights, too. …  _Was this casual?_  Was it weird to put a scarf on someone who likes you? Especially while you're already  _dating_  somebody else - had he done the wrong thing? His mind reeled for a second, maybe this wasn't the right move. Somebody could have seen. But it's normal between friends too, right? Maybe Renjun was just overly conscious. The slight panic that rose up his throat dissipated at Jaemin's lack of a response, though, and instead, his feet went cold. 

 

No, was this even a fight? How could he even describe this situation? It wasn’t like Jaemin knew that Renjun heard what he said, anyway.

 

Or did he?

 

Or did he  _not_?

 

Yet another wild string of conspiracies began spinning in Renjun's head, but were thankfully - sort of - interrupted.

 

"Injun-ah."

 

It was Renjun's turn to freeze for a split second, blinking as he responded slowly, "Yeah?"

 

His heart stopped.

 

Jaemin finally turned to face him, and Renjun instinctively held his breath. After not having seen him properly for a while, it was slightly unnerving to be completely caught under that intense stare again. Not to mention the way the other said his name... There was tension in the air, wasn't there? Renjun wasn't just imagining it. Whether it was the swirling pit of guilt that brewed deeper with every second or the impending feeling that  _something_ would happen, his gut twisted painfully. Now that he was pinned down by that gaze, it had him flustered, nervous, anxious, overwhelmed with every feeling in the world. It was something about his eyes, there always was something about his eyes...

 

"... Aaaah." He opened his mouth wide, as if asking for a bite.

 

With that, the tension in the air shattered like glass, and the breath that Renjun had been holding was finally released. So he didn't know. They were fine, they would be just like the way they used to be, always were, and always would be. Thank  _God_. Although the relief that washed over him wasn't as satisfying as he'd hoped it to be, he was desperate to find any excuse in his mind to rid himself of the feeling that something still just wasn’t right.

 

Rolling his eyes, he stuffed the bread into the other's mouth, but the smile didn't come as easily to his own lips as it did to Jaemin's, apparently, whose face relaxed as he reached up to take the food with one hand, managing a muffled 'thank you'.

 

A few moments passed like that, in the sound of the wind that'd begun to pick up slowly as Jaemin finished his half of the bread quickly. The other was the first to speak up and break the silence.

 

"Sorry."

 

Blinking, Renjun stared up at him, evident confusion crossing his expression. In fact, he'd finally properly gotten a better look at Jaemin's face and could have sworn the other's eyelids were just a bit more swollen than usual.

 

"Don’t ask why,” he added, sighing softly as he leaned over the rails on his forearms. 

 

He wasn’t sure how to respond. Staring back out at the view before them, he swallowed, the bump on his throat bobbing a little. For some reason, he almost felt guilty for keeping it from Jaemin - that he knew. He should probably tell him. He had to say  _something_.

 

“Jaemin-ah--”

 

The bell had rung.

 

“The bell rang. We should probably head back.”

 

Renjun didn't move, knowing full well they had ten minutes left, so he kept his stare trained on Jaemin, squinting, as if it'd get something out of him. Jaemin was never bothered by the ten-minute warning bell.

 

Their eyes met. For some reason, Renjun felt like he should avert his gaze.  

 

The other then moved closer without speaking, and Renjun could feel familiar, soft fabric wrapping around him. Jaemin's fingertips brushed against his neck, and the contact left traces of the warmth behind, as if tingling his skin like electricity.  _Oh_. Why did he lean in so much? His arms were long, he wouldn't have had to come this close just to return a scarf. Why had he taken a step closer? They already weren't that far apart to begin with. Why was Renjun's pulse pounding so loudly in his ears? ...  _What the hell_ _?_

 

Heat rose to Renjun's cheeks, but probably because of the sudden warmth. It was nice having his scarf back, he supposed, and his dropped body temperature was grateful. That must be it.

 

But as if Jaemin was really in a hurry to go to class, he reached out to gently take hold of his elbow, nodding towards the big door that led back down the stairs. “C’mon.”

 

"Y... Yeah."

 

Jaemin, who was usually never in a hurry to get anywhere, seemed to always be rushing from place to place these days.

 

Jaemin, who usually hardly kept anything from Renjun, who spoke his mind when they were together, felt so distant.

 

And what perhaps made it worse was that Renjun knew  _why_ it was so. Any other day and he would have thought they were changing, a natural drift - since that's a part of life - but it was hardly that. He could even say it was the precise opposite, that it was what they had between them that was beginning to shift…

 

Now  _he_ was dwelling on it for far too long, and far too deeply; it couldn’t be that serious.

 

Jaemin  _knew_  how he and Jeno were, better than anyone else. He was sensible, and so was Renjun.

 

But of course.

 

Huang Renjun? The spitting image of sensibility, the definition itself.

 

 _Of course_.

 

Which was precisely why he’d find himself standing in front of Jaemin’s desk a week later with the thickest envelope he’d ever produced in his life.


End file.
